I think I'm in love

I've found someone, and he makes me put on a happy face. I'm sure everybody's trying to guess who it is, so let me start by saying it's not that cute guy I see downtown every so often. It's also not that guy who smells so darn good. Nor is it the one who always has something clever to say to me.

It's Dick Van Dyke. Circa 1965.

Don't get me wrong, Dick's quite attractive now as a distinguished-looking 84 year old with white hair. (Isn't white hair always nicer looking than gray?) But oh, back in the day, he was something else.

I've spent a lot of time with Dick Van Dyke circa 1965. We keep Marry Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on a running loop around here. And occasionally I steal some alone time with Dick in Bye Bye Birdie or Fitzwilly or episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Somewhere in between Rob Petrie and Albert Peterson, I fell completely in love with the amalgamation of leading men that I've come to think of as "The Real Dick Van Dyke."

And then curiosity got the best of me, and I know you should never google your romantic interest, but I did. Oh, but I wasn't looking for topless photos to ogle. I was looking for dirt. For some sign that where Caractacus Potts leaves off, a lascivious skirt-chasing scoundrel begins. Mafia involvement maybe. A string of illegitimate children. A rumour that he voted for Nixon. Anything to disprove my silly belief that Dick Van Dyke was at all similar to his Circa 1965 on screen alter-egos.

I found nothing. Well, I shouldn't say that. I found him quoted as saying, "I am a song-and-dance man and I enjoy being myself, which is all I can do." No, Dick, no! Don't tell me that! Don't tell me that Burt-Rob-Caractucus-Albert Petrie-Potts-Peterson-Fitwilliam is... gasp.. the real you!

And the sick part is the reason why I didn't want to believe this: he's a bar-raiser. If The Real Dick Van Dyke was a triple threat in Hollywood, he's an octuple threat in the world of single women. He's tap-dancing atop a pedestal. He's funny, he's ivy-league smart, he's genuine, he loves children, he has a heart-melting smile, he's got boyish good looks and wisdom in his eyes, and he has the soothing voice of a 40s crooner. Wouldn't life with The Real Dick Van Dyke be simply fantasmagorical?

And this is terrible. Because how are we ever to be happy if that's what we need to find?

So, yes, I went looking for dirt on Dick Van Dyke. Because I don't know how to settle for anything but the best, and my ever-more-intense crush on the men he portrays was telling me that I need to find a man who is everything they are, combined. So I wanted to find out that they don't exist. That such a man can not be expected to be found, and that it would be okay to settle for less. And it's sad, really, that we live in a world where a single girl doesn't even want to hope for too much anymore.

But I found no dirt, and so I'm doomed to hope and hold out for the best. Men like The Real Dick Van Dyke do exist, somewhere out there.

Or at least they did. Circa 1965.